Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
