You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
