Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
