i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
