Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize