Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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