I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
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