I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
