you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
