yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
