I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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