I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize