I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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