Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
