I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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