Do you still have your period?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize