When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
