I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
