i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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