i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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