i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
