I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
