i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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