If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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