I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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