Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize