In the future we'll all be gay
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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