i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
