I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
