I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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