I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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