Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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