You're my little dorito
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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