I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
