and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
