we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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