I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize