we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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