If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am mentally ready for anal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
