I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize