I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
