I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
