i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize