Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
