You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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