Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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