Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize