Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
