Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
