Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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