WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
