i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
