Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
