oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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