She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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