Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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