Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
