you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
